Better Late Than Never: The Loneliest Roadtrip, Day 1

I haven’t been the most timely gathering this post (see also: entire blog, messy house, time clock at work for further enforcement of my specialization in lateness and laziness), but I think it’s important to record regardless. In August, I took what I call the Loneliest Roadtrip: just me (for the most part… I cheated a bit) in my Beetle, driving across 9 states in 9 days. For some time, I’ve had a dream of shooting 8mm film in every state and compiling it into an old-fashioned travelogue, and this was a trial-run for what I hope to be a singular months-long van adventure. It turned out to be somewhat a bust since my camera was on the fritz about 50% of the time, but I did enjoy getting out and exploring the good ol’ U.S. of A. while spending some quality time with myself. I also got to try out my Diana camera (yip yip!) and catch a few of my fella’s shows while his band was on tour – not a shabby use of time and gas money, if you ask me. Anyway, here are some musings and photographic evidence from the road.

Day 1: Colorado, Wyoming, Montana

Left Denver at 1:00 PM (gulp, late). Pokiness facilitated by locking myself out of my apartment building while loading up the Beetle. After a middling attempt at climbing through my too-high window (at which point BeaCat escaped, urgh), Smokes-a-lot lady let me back into the building, and she did so without getting off her celly or putting down her cig, even in the lobby. My type of gal. Gave the kitties kisses and hit the dusty road. Before I could even escape the city, this greeted me:

It’s really unfortunate that I couldn’t get a picture of the side, which proclaimed “Abortion doesn’t make you unpregnant, it makes you have a DEAD BABY.” America the Beautiful.

Drove through Wyoming on the quick, and somehow managed to miss Little America. How does one miss Little America? Signs bloody everywhere. Saw signs for the Oregon Trail Ruts, and whipped off the road with nary a second thought. My parents took my best friend and I to the historical site (and many others) in 5th grade during our obsessive, long skirt-wearing, Oregon Trail game-playing period, and that remains one of my favorite vacations to this day. It’s still impressive that so many people took this trip in janky wagons that ruts were cut into the rock.

(Note bullet holes – this seems to be a common issue with historical stops across America. Did I mention how much I love our country? No seriously, I do. Charming.)

Look, I’m stuck in a rut! Yuk, yuk, yuck. I thought it would be a good idea to take cheesy self-portraits at my favorite stops, but this was the only one I managed… because cheesy self-portraits make one feel cheesier than any person should. However! this is a pretty good example of how deep those puppies are.

It had already been sprinkling off and on, but as I walked from the ruts back to my car, light rain quickly turned into raucous thunder and lightning, and there was imminent threat of a torrential downpour. Made it to register cliff as it struck, and managed to hop out and admire for a hot second. Love that it’s basically glorified graffiti.

Seconds after I pulled in, the wind picked up and was blowing my umbrella inside out, and I was forced back to the road. Made it to Montana courtesy chocolate-covered espresso beans and Amanda Blank.

Drove through the scariest heat lightning storm, and I’m not exaggerating when I say that it was one of the most frightening experiences I’ve ever encountered. The lightning would strike, then travel across the ground, then rapidly strike again somewhere nearby. Camping plans foiled. Reminded myself car is grounded. Did not help. Had to stop for gas, at which point I chatted with some bikers who had also been shaken by the storm. One tried to use the Porta Potty, but there was something alive inside. Started to get a massive dehydration headache, which was likely aided by subsiding strictly on cheddar goldfish crackers and the aforementioned caffeine beans. Vowed to make it to the next town, and called my Mom to say my last good-byes, just in case. That fine woman paid for a hotel room. I lived to see another day. Never thought I’d be so happy to be watching an infomercial for Bump It in the Super 8 of Billings, Montana.

Don’t lie, you want a Bump It too.

 

It can always get worse.

 

I love you, Eric Wareheim.

I’m becoming a little obsessed with Eric Wareheim of Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!  Here is his latest music video for MGMT’s “The Youth.” Be forewarned: there will be thrusting!

For more Wareheim awesomeness, also see exhibit B, Flying Lotus’ “Parisian Goldfish.” There will be thrusting AND flashing lights:

This is a plea for Eric Wareheim to employ me. Please?

 

Kids these days.

Whilst idly searching the YouTubes for the “They’re all going to laugh at you!” scene from Carrie (because I had just referenced it in the baby laugh-a-lot post, ahem), I discovered that the only results for the query “carrie they’re all going to laugh at you” are fan videos for the Jonas Brothers. Never mind that this makes no sense, because these videos have stories attached, wherein said fans are dating the Jonas Brothers. And jeepers, if these stories aren’t the most disturbingly hilarious things you’ve ever read, then… you must be reading something that I am not. This one, from user “jobrosarehott21“, deals with teenage pregnancy and bulimia. Hurray! If you’ve got three minutes to read something ridiculous, use those minutes now.

They run as fast as they can to the park. Nichole ends up tripping over a rock and she falls on the grass. Nick stops running and starts laughing but helps her up. Her face is all red because she’s embarrassed. Nick wraps her in a hug until they stop laughing. They walk towards the swings holding hands walking with caution. When they get to the swings Nick sits down and Nichole sits on his lap in the “spider” position. They start swinging and kissing. They’re in a complete make-out session and no longer swinging. Nick pulls away a few minutes later to ask Nichole a question. 

Nick: I want to be able to do this everyday. 
Nichole: Me too. I wish you could stay. Nick: I actually had a better idea. Nichole: Oh yeah. What’s that? 
Nick: I was thinking you could come on tour with us! 
Nichole: Oh my gosh! That’s a great idea! I’ll have to ask my parents but I’m sure they’ll say it’s fine. 
Nick: Awesome! *kisses her on the lips and they again start to make-out* 

(With Kevin and Kirsten) 

Kirsten: On tour? Really? 
Kevin: Yeah. That way we would for sure be together when the baby comes. 
Kirsten: That’s a really good idea. I don’t know where else I would have gone. Yes! I’ll come with you. 
Kevin: Yes! This is going to be so perfect. Ready to go? 
Kirsten: Yeah. I don’t want to have to carry all of this back though. Can we go get the tour bus or something? 
Kevin: How about we pick it up tomorrow before we leave? I want to take you out for dinner. 
Kirsten: Ok! Oh my gosh! I totally forgot. Kevin: What? 
Kirsten: My birthday’s in a week! We’re going to be together on my 18th birthday! Kevin: Awesome! I have the perfect night planned. 
Kirsten: I can’t wait. *wraps her arms around his neck and gives him a kiss* 
Ben: I thought I told you to leave. 
Kevin: Sorry. We’re leaving. 
Ben: Good. *stands in the doorway* 
Kirsten: *grabs Kevin’s hand and walks out the door* 
Kevin: Is he always like that? 
Kirsten: Not that mean. Oh well. I don’t have to deal with him anymore. 

They walk back to Tara’s house to let everyone know what’s been going on. When they get there everyone is sitting on the couch watching a movie. 

Kirsten: Mind if we watch with you guys? Nichole: No! Sit down! 
Tara: Someone’s in a good mood. 
Nick: I think I know why. *smiles* 
Kevin: What movie are you watching anyway? Joe: Talladega Nights! 
Kirsten: I love that movie! 

Kevin sits down on the couch and since there’s no more room Kirsten sits on his lap. They cuddle together like that cute little couple that they are. After the movie’s done Kevin whispers sometihng in Kirsten’s ear. 

Kevin: Do you want to tell everyone about the tour and the baby now? 
Kirsten: Yeah sure. Hey guys! 
Joe: What’s up? 
Kirsten: We have two very important things to tell you. Number 1…I’m going on tour with the Jonas Brothers! 
Nichole: Seriously!? 
Allison and Nichole: Me too! 
Kirsten: Really!? This is going to be so much fun! 
Tara: *sarcastically* Yeah. So much fun. Nick: You can come too Tara. If you want that is. 
Tara: That would be awesome! I’ll be right back I need a drink. 
Allison: That girl has been drinking all day! 
Kirsten: Ready for number 2? 
Tara: Wait! I need to see their reactions! *runs into the room with a bottle of water* Ok. Go! 
Kirsten: Well…Kevin and I are going to have a baby! 
Joe: *mouth drops open* Wow…That’s some news. 
Nick: Congratulations guys! *gives Kevin and Kirsten a hug* 
Joe: Yeah…congratulations. *sad look on his face* 
Allison: Aww. Don’t worry baby. That’ll be us someday. 
Joe: You’re right. *fakes a smile* 
Kevin: We’re going out to dinner. We’ll see you guys later. *walks out of the room with Kirsten by his side* 
Tara: Mmm. Food sounds really good right now! 
Nichole: We just ate like 20 minutes ago. Tara: Sorry I’m hungry again! 
Allison: She’s really been eating and drinking a lot lately. 
Nichole: She sleeps really late too. Even when she goes to be early. 
Joe: She’s gotten a lot skinnier too. She must be sick or something. 
Nichole: I think she might be…bullimic. 

To be continued…

Wow. I think Joe is still in love with Kirsten or something. Awesome comment from a young YouTuber:

WATS BULIMIC???

 

They’re all gonna laugh at you.

If this doll were covered in melted cheese and chewed-up chewing gum, this commercial would be like my very personal, especially horrifying version of the The Ring videotape.

Seven days. Via Videogum.

 

Always expect the unexpected.

This is some sort of advertisement, but that fact is unimportant. Unimportant to me, that is, not to those who hoped it would make them money. Whoops, people who thought this would make you money! I am way too apathetic to go to the site mentioned at the end (www.blackthinking.com). The important thing is that it features flies and a guy in a suit, and someone would probably call it “surreal.” Let’s not be too hasty with the throwing of adjectives like “surreal” about, especially when we really mean “weird” or “unconventional,” ok? It’s surrealish at best, but you know what I mean. It’s also fairly good… so watch it.

Via Neatorama.

 

Oh, watch out for them! They’re gonna beat you up with that pipe wrench.

Who knew that a-ha’s “Take on Me” video could be improved upon?

These guys knew. Thank God for these guys.

 

Coming to terms with the Hot Chip trauma of 2005-2006:

Once I worked as a retail slave, and every day my manager played Hot Chip. Every single fucking day. For awhile it was enjoyable. Hot Chip is witty and dancey, fair enough. And for awhile, it was just Coming on Strong, every day, sure! But then it was just Coming on Strong, uh-oh, every single fucking day, no.

And then their second album, The Warning came out. However, instead of switching things up, my manager-cum-dungeon-master just played them both. Both albums. Every… single… horrifying… day. Hot Chip was dead to me and for so long, every time I heard it I was reminded of contemplating suicide just so my manager would have to clean up the mess.

But!!! then Made in the Dark was released, and it was soooo good, and suddenly Hot Chip is ok again. 

The ever-elusive point to my rambling is that this video for “Over and Over” is anciently old according to pop cultural standards (over two years!), but that it’s ok for me to post it now because it’s great and also because I am the manager here and when you’re a manager you do whatever you want regardless of the opinions of others. 

 

Craft Attack! Sort of. Actually, please don’t.

I will tell you that I don’t like any aspect of dead animals. They’re depressing, they smell, and they usually come along with some sort of moral issue (huntin’, meat eatin’, road killin’, medical testin’, etc.) that must be addressed… But then if you happen to stuff the aforementioned dead animal and turn it into something wonderful and maybe hilarious, I will tell you that dead animals are the best.

Case in point, Chuffy the mouse. Driving his time machine. Which happens to be a guinea pig. Wow. Big spenders with creepy houses can find it at Top Hat Taxidermy. Or why not try and make one yourself? (Don’t try and make one yourself.) Via BoingBoing.

Because you can never get enough of taxidermy (you can very easily get enough of taxidermy), here is the video for George Harrison’s “Got My Mind Set On You.” And I know I’ve posted this in other blog incarnates, but nothing rivals it in terms of the best possible use of taxidermied rodents on film:

George Harrison is clearly the best Beatle.

 

So good, it only needs sentence fragments.

New Ben Folds video for “You Don’t Know Me” (featuring Regina Spektor!).
Directed by (and starring!) Tim and Eric (Awesome Show, Great Job!).
Yes please.

Via Videogum.